John Doe (Kevin Spacey from 'Seven') Cleans His Apartment

So, it’s like a gag?

Yeah, picture it, Kevin Spacey as John Doe from Seven, with his fingerprints cut off and everything. Well, it’s not like he can have a maid come to his apartment, right? So, either the place is covered in dust or he cleans it himself. Now, imagine him stocking up on cleaning supplies and putting them in his creepy apartment. We’ll show the neon red cross over his bed and the bookshelves full of the composition notebooks. People will love it.

But it doesn’t really make you laugh.

Even the laundry room where he keeps the bleach is totally dark and creepy. Come on, that’s funny.

I mean, maybe as a visual, but there’s not really a punch line.

We can make it like a fake commercial or something. You know, “Even serial killers prefer Clorox.” I mean, we’ll work on the line, but that’s the idea.

Do you think people even remember the movie? It’s been almost twenty years, I’d say.

Come on. It sticks with you. I still hear people talking about that strap-on knife dick thing.

Ok. Which is better: Cleaning his place in the near darkness or in fluorescent lighting?

Second Date

- I might've told you this already, my cousin is a doctor, too.

- You did say that, yeah.

- Oh. Remind me, you have a brother, right?

- Sister. She's older. (Either he wasn't listening at all, or he has me confused with someone else.)

- (Wait, she's not the doctor, she works for that non-profit or whatever. I don't think she noticed, though.) That's right. You're pretty close, right?

- Yeah, she's the best.

- (Nice save)

They take a drink and their eyes wander the room. They place their glasses down simultaneously.

So, were-- 

- Um-- 

- Oh, sorry, you go ahead.

- No, it's okay. Really.

- (Eff) I was just going to ask if you were, um... sorry, that guy over there is totally weirding me out. He's got this tic, like, he keeps spasming.

- (We were really drunker than I thought. I'm amazed we could even have sex.)

They touch hands under the table. 

- Do you want another drink?

- Um... let's just get out of here.

They lean towards each other. He places his hand against her face. They kiss. 

- I'll call an Uber.

Typewriter versus Computer - Part One

Interior. Courtroom. A lawyer is questioning a Sea-Foam Green Remington Streamliner II. An IBM PC Model 5150 sits at the defense table. It hums audibly throughout the proceedings.

"You're honor, I'm simply trying to establish a basis for the physical strains put on my client in its routine function... May I continue?"

The judge nods.

"Thank you. Now, you were describing the re-inking process. Would you please continue?"

"Yes, thank you." As the typewriter speaks. It clickety-clacks with each syllable finishing its sentences with a *Ding* and sliding of the page bar. "Like I was saying, the factory recommends re-inking every six months. This process has been streamlined for my model, but it can still be problematic. This is because most users shirk the recommendation and delay the re-ink. By the time they finally decide to add ink, it's long overdue and the mechanics are gummed up. This leads to frustration on the users part."

"What would you say is the typical manifestation of this frustration?"

"Would you please clarify?" Clickety-clack. Ding.

"Of course. You say people become frustrated, is that correct?"

"Yes." Ding.

"And, when they become frustrated, how do they respond?"

"Well..." Pause as the typewriter makes a cranking sound while the reel spin. "Excuse me. Well, sometimes they curse. Sometimes they pound the table. Sometimes they will strike me." Ding.

"They strike you?"


"Your honor, please have the court reporter register the witness's affirmation of the previous question."

The judge nods.

"So, would you say it is common for a user to become physically hostile towards you?"